They Are Not Me

When you lie down at night

engulfed by darkness,

consumed by lust

as you put your arms around another,

and as you kiss his lips

and feel his wet tongue moving in your mouth

as he pulls you closer

– and you pull him closer too;

as you embrace him like you embraced me nights before,

and when you told me you loved me,

with the same lips that you use to kiss him,

and held me with the same arms that you use to embrace him,

and as he puts his head on your chest – listening to your heart beat

the same heartbeat I hear every night before I go to sleep;

and as your fingers entwined with his

I can only imagine yours holding mine;

as I lie on my empty bed thinking about you,

And I wonder;

“Do you ever think about me, the way I think about you?”

“Do you feel the same way as I do?”

as I lie awake engulfed by my darkness

you lie in yours,



in yours

– with another.

p.s: It’s been a while.

p.s.s: Thanks Ikah for the inspiration LOL

Random Thoughts

Loss and Gain

You cannot get everything you want in life. It’s the bitter truth. Even when you think you have everything, you’ll end up wanting more and more; and this desire drives you crazy. Sometimes, what we want are simple things – more ice-cream on a cone, a book that you have always wanted to buy but too expensive for your budget, or more patrol for your car. At other times, we want something that is more hard to get – more love, more patience, more kindness, and more time. But have you ever wondered when all the things you have wished for, have somehow been covered by the things you already have?

More ice-cream, but you already have food in your tummy. A book that you have always wanted? You already have your favorite book in your collection. Patrol for your car? How about the fact that you have gone to the car-wash and now you have a clean car? More love? Look at the people you surround yourself with. More patience? Be more accepting of others. More kindness? Be kind to people first. More time? Don’t waste what you have already got.

You see the thing about life is sometimes it makes you THINK and makes you FEEL like you haven’t got everything, but what if you already have things that you NEED to survive? Yes, we have desires and we have our wants, but sometimes you have to start realizing that what you WANT is more than what you NEED – which is what most of us already have: shelter, food, clothing, family, money.

I’m writing this to remind myself that every single time that I feel like I haven’t gotten enough, I should just look around me so that I’ll be more thankful. I am writing this because I have been saying this to myself:

“You Win Some, You Lose Some.”

I am going to start a new job soon and it’s a good job too, and I’ll be living with my family. The bad part is I’ll be away from the wonderful friends that I have made six years living away from my family. I’ll be losing a huge chunk of my independence. I am still wondering if I’m doing the right thing, but my head says it is right. My heart is torn though. It’s just weird to think that I’ll be living so far away from the people who have been such a huge influence in my life.

Well A.J., you win some you lose some.

p.s: I want Doraemon’s Pintu Suka-Hati please.


You Gotta Have Faith

Sometimes I look back at my life and wonder what God has in store for me. Lately, my job’s been stressing me out. My job is not normal. It’s not the 9-5 kinda job, and I do not have a specific scope of things for me to do for now. Everything’s chaotic and everything’s unstable. I hate the fact that it is unstable. 

Here’s the thing though:

About a year ago, I had this grand idea of opening a publishing company with my friends. I even told future employers at that time when I was being interviewed:

Interviewer: What do you see yourself doing in the next 5-10 years?

Me: I would like to open my own publishing house.

I kept going on and on about the idea but I didn’t really take it seriously because I had other goals to achieve first. Fast forward into the present and BAM! I’m working with my friends in a publishing company which is practically being run by us. Sounds like a dream come true for a 23 year old whose goal was to have his own publishing house; but that’s not the case here. Things are unstable and I don’t know if they’ll be stable in the next few months. A friend of mine seems to think that we WILL get to the stable plateau and finally get the publishing company up and running again. With such faith and drive, I couldn’t help but get infected by the motivation she has to make things work for every single one of us. 

It’s great to have a person such as her – one who has passion and motivation to succeed – to spearhead us into something that could be worth something in the future. It’s not like I am not as motivated nor passionate, it’s just that I am quite negative at the state we’re in. But with her around, things seem to be better. We’re moving forward every day and it’s great really. It’s not smooth sailing all the way I can tell you that. We had to move, and find a new place, we have to make executive decisions, we have to work like dogs for meager pay and for what? For an uncertain future – for something that has a 50-50 chance of either becoming successful or something that would fail.

I guess I should have as much faith as she does in the company because having faith is important especially when you’re dealing with something that is both demoralizing and tough. I should be working harder to make things work instead of becoming the individual who sinks everything into the ground. I should just try to hold on just a little bit more. This upcoming months will be the “make it or break it” moments. I’m holding on to that glimmer of hope in my head that keeps on chanting: “What if it works out?” and then another voice would echo a different scenario: “What if it doesn’t work out?”.

Honestly, both scenarios scare me. 




Being Selfish

Selfish is a negative trait.Oxford Dictionary defines selfish as: (Of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for other people; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure: And this definition is true to the brim. 

But what if I tell you sometimes, being selfish is a good thing?

You are a dream chaser, and people have always been telling you to go after your dreams. But what if that dream involves leaving them – the people you love – behind? Is that a dream that you want to chase? Or would you rather stay behind because you come from a family of seven and they need you to provide them with a better life and hence leaving them would mean that they have to fend for themselves. But you are young, you have your whole life stretched ahead of you and you have made these grand schemes and plans of which most do not include them. Would you be willing to leave behind those individuals who have helped you along the way and guided you to become who you are? You are about to embark on an epic journey, but at what cost?

Being selfish sometimes means that you have to put yourself first, but it isn’t necessarily a bad thing – depending on the situations of course. If you want to become a superstar, a businessman, an artist or whatever it is that you want to become which requires you to leave behind your family for a better prospect for you and for them, by all means go. Be selfish. But don’t be selfish that you forget them along the way. 

Being selfish is good sometimes because it means you are allowed to go and have what you want in life. But it is not a good feeling sometimes when you think of other people who have sacrificed their lives to get you where you are today. What can you do in return? Remember them. Repay them back as best as you can. Do not be ultimately selfish and just think of yourself because at the end of the day, you have people’s feelings to consider. 

You can be selfish and you are allowed to feel that way because you need to make a life for yourself before you can help others along the way. That is why when masks drop from the plane’s overhead compartment, you put it on yourself before others because you need to save yourself before you can save other people.

You need to learn to know when it is ok to be selfish and when not ok to be selfish. It’s not something you learn from books or tv or music, it’s something you acquire along the way in your life. In life, be selectively selfish. Make right choices!