Poetry

Terbang ke Bintang

Ke bintang ku pergi,

Setelah ku jatuh beribu kali,

Cuba menggapaimu.

Ke bintang ku pergi,

mengejar sesuatu yang kurang pasti,

– kamu.

Ke bintang yang satu ku pergi,

cuba menawanmu kembali.

Ke bintang ku pergi,

kerana:

cinta dan sayang.

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Uncategorized

The Chase.

There are things in life that you are never meant to have. For example, a guy you have been calling and texting non-stop, and yet he has not replied to even a single one of your desperate calls for attention. And yet late at night, you still dwell on the endless possibilities: Maybe his phone is not working, maybe he is busy, maybe is with someone else?

And yet late at night, you still crave for his love and his attention. You don’t want much. You just want to hear the phone ring and when you see the screen, his name appears. You don’t want much. You just want a text from him apologizing to you for being such an asshole. You don’t want much. You just want to spend time with him, talking about random things and getting to know each other. You don’t want much. You just want him – all of him.

But he acts as if you don’t exist. He acts as if you don’t matter and yet you go through all the heartache for him because you really, really, really want him. Why though, why? Maybe it’s time for you to stop – just, stop. Stop hoping, stop chasing. Just, stop. Haven’t you heard what people have been saying? If he loves you, he will come to you. Just, stop. You don’t need him – and he certainly doesn’t need you.

Go and try to fall in love with someone else. It is a process, I know – having to pick yourself up and mending the broken pieces again – but this is not the first time. You’ve done it before, you can surely do it again. Trust me, you will be fine. Yes, the longings and the cravings for him will still be there; that’s totally normal. But eventually, you’ll learn to forget about him – everything about him.

You will. Just give yourself some time. But don’t dwell too much. Open up your heart for other options. They will come. Be patient. If things are meant to be, they will happen. For now, just learn to walk away. It’s time for others to chase you, instead of you chasing them.

p.s: Miracles sometimes do not exist.

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Poetry

They Are Not Me

When you lie down at night

engulfed by darkness,

consumed by lust

as you put your arms around another,

and as you kiss his lips

and feel his wet tongue moving in your mouth

as he pulls you closer

– and you pull him closer too;

as you embrace him like you embraced me nights before,

and when you told me you loved me,

with the same lips that you use to kiss him,

and held me with the same arms that you use to embrace him,

and as he puts his head on your chest – listening to your heart beat

the same heartbeat I hear every night before I go to sleep;

and as your fingers entwined with his

I can only imagine yours holding mine;

as I lie on my empty bed thinking about you,

And I wonder;

“Do you ever think about me, the way I think about you?”

“Do you feel the same way as I do?”

as I lie awake engulfed by my darkness

you lie in yours,

you

lie

in yours

– with another.

p.s: It’s been a while.

p.s.s: Thanks Ikah for the inspiration LOL

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Uncategorized

An Open Letter to English Teachers

Dear English Teachers,

Something is bothering me. Something really disturbing is bothering me. It’s a huge matter in fact, and that is why it’s bothering me. I should just cut to the chase.

PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE, FIX YOUR GRAMMAR!

I see it almost all the time now. Your statuses, your captions, your comments – THEY ARE ALL FULL OF OBVIOUS GRAMMATICAL ERRORS AND MISTAKES! It’s fine (but in actuality it’s not) if people cannot detect them, but it will be damning if people without an English or B.Ed TESL degree can spot your errors and mistakes. Doesn’t it bother you when people correct your grammar instead of you correcting them? You’re the English teacher or expert or whatever, shouldn’t you be correcting their errors and mistakes?

Please teachers, please. Just make sure that you are teaching your kids the right things. And yes, it does not matter if you are teaching at the most rural of places and you if you are thinking,

“Heh, the kids wouldn’t know or wouldn’t care or wouldn’t be bothered if I make grammatical errors in class.”

No, it’s not about that. It’s about RESPONSIBILITY, it’s about ACCOUNTABILITY and it’s about EDUCATING those kids. If those kids do not know, do not care or aren’t bothered, then it’s your job to make them know, make them care and delight them with the wonders of English. 

It bothers me a lot that you are teaching kids when clearly you are really not qualified to do so. When you commit such OBVIOUS errors online (and in public), people will start to question the kind of education you received and people will start pointing fingers. Heck, if I had kids and you were teaching them, I’d pull my kids out of the class if I could. Remember the classes we had – the ones where we discussed about incompetent English teachers – please don’t end up like those teachers. Please, I beg of you.

Please, help your kids. Fix yourself first. It’s not only your students’ responsibility to learn, it is yours too. It is your responsibility to help these kids with their English. You are carrying a huge responsibility on your shoulders. Everyone is counting on you to make the society better. If the kids do not practice what you have preached in class, then it’s their own responsibility. And yes, we can only do so much in the classrooms, but if you can inspire one kid to speak better, write better, read better, and listen better, then you are fulfilling your responsibility.

I know teaching is not easy, but try. If the kids are learning, you should too. It is your job to make sure that they are learning the right things and not the wrong stuff. Don’t fossilize their errors. Plus, this post is not about teaching per se, it’s more about asking you to fix your grammar because it is seriously bothering and worrying me at the same time.

So please, please, please, fix your grammar. At least please, don’t teach them, “congrates” or “a simple things” or “freezed” or “equipments”.

p.s: It’s time to brush up on our knowledge.

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Random Thoughts

Shouldn’t Have Trusted Your Heart

There are so many things I want to write about, but words sometimes fail me and I end up not conveying what I feel. Plus, I don’t really know what I am feeling right now. There is a part of me that feels relief and free, some parts of me crave the dependency and the familiarity of things that I’ve left behind. It’s been a few days since I started my new job and I like it – the fact that I have flexible working hours, that I get to explore my creativity and the fact that I get to interact with people on a daily basis. It’s all perfect. Except for one thing – I kinda feel lonely. I haven’t really made new friends. And the fact that I had to break-off my two year relationship isn’t helping either. I’d usually wake up in the morning with

“Good morning yang”

and go to bed with

“Good night yang”

but those texts aren’t coming in any more. It’s been a few days now, and I have to get used to it. I will get use to it; but right now, I can feel the void creeping slowly into my soul. I hate feeling the void. I hate the fact that when I look around me, there are things that remind me of you. I don’t need that right now. I hate the fact that when I’m alone and free, I start to think

“I wish you were here with me.”

It’s weird how someone who used to be so close to you now has to become a complete stranger by default. I wish I can take you anywhere with me so we can be together all the time. But I know you don’t want that. I know you want your freedom from me. You’ve been wanting that for a while now. You’re just too afraid to admit it.

I should want the same freedom too. In a way, I have achieved that freedom. But there’s still a part of me that does not want that freedom. It wants you. I don’t know if you feel the same way. I hope you do. I will be in denial if I wished for the opposite.

We’ve been through a lot together. You’ve always been there for me, and I owe you a lot for all the time you have spent with me – the countless hours of snuggling, cuddling, movie-watching, driving, eating, talking, arguing, singing – I will remember those times. I hope you will too.

Gah! When I was younger, writing about heartbreak was so easy. Now, I just feel burdened by it somehow. I feel like I shouldn’t even be writing about it because I will be fine, and I will move on. There was a time when I would compose poems and shit but not this time I guess. Maybe because I’ve matured enough, or maybe because I’ve prepared myself mentally and emotionally.

But I still do miss you – everyday. And I wish you’d text me. I hope we’d stay as friends because losing you from my life would be one of the biggest tragedies. I don’t know what else to write about. I guess I’ll just wallow in loneliness for now and try to make new friends. And hopefully, one day, down the line, I’ll meet someone who can fill the void.

p.s: All I need is a better internet connection.

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Random Thoughts

Leaving Home

There comes a time in your life when you have to make a decision that is bigger than any decisions you’ve ever made in your whole entire life.

2008 was the start of a new life for me. I enrolled myself in UiTM for ASASI TESL and it was crazy because I didn’t even know what TESL was until I applied for it. It was a nerve wrecking experience for me because I have never been away from my family alone before. I never stayed in a boarding school, so the experience of coming over from Kuching to Shah Alam was something huge for me – and I was alone, and lonely.

I remember the very last moment hugging my Mummy goodbye. She cried, I cried and as I closed the door to my room, I went to my bunk bed and cried and sobbed like a baby. If anyone were to see me, they’d laugh. I called my mum on the phone that first night of being away from my family sobbing and crying. I was alone. I was afraid. I was confused.

But things got better the next day. I met my course-mates and the first person I talked to was Bonnie. Then I met Kei. He told me he wanted to be an ambassador and he spoke with this fancy British accent. In my head I was like,

“Oh God. My English must have sounded lame to him.”

Then the next person who stood out to me was Zach because he was white and I was like,

“I’m never gonna ever survive this.”

After the first day of orientation at the faculty ended, Bonnie told me that I was staying at the wrong college, so he took me to Meranti and that was where I stayed – in his room- and I met Sharil. We hit it off instantly and  we talked about Gossip Girls, Desperate Housewives and listened to Leona Lewis at night – and then he left, after 2 weeks (BASTARD, LOL). Anyways, cutting the story short…

Turns out, life had/has different plans for me throughout my years in uni. The times I had spent being away from my family are/were the times that I had learned most about myself. Never in my wildest imaginations would I have imagined my life would turn out the way it has turned out now and then. I never thought I would be a student leader, or a class-rep for most of my degree years, and never would I thought I’d be one of those students who stood out. I remember telling myself before I continued my studies that all I wanted to do was be unknown and just go through uni life unseen, unheard and unspoken of – that didn’t happen.

I’ve met some wonderful (and despicable) people being away from my family. The characters I’ve met are something that I would remember for the rest of my life. If I were to stay in Kuching and continued my studies there, I don’t think I would meet so, so, so, so many wonderful characters. My friends that I am close to now are a blessing to me (you guys know who you guys are) and I think it’s one of the ways God is showing me that He is with me. I’ve experienced relationships while being here. Those cheesy lines and scenes from books I read and movies I watched, yeah experienced them first-hand here in Shah Alam.

After finishing my uni days, I told myself I wanted to work in Kuala Lumpur until at least I hit 30. But hey, life has a different turn like I said. I’m not even 25 yet and I am moving back to my hometown already.

Now I’ll be leaving Shah Alam crying instead of smiling. It’s funny how 6 years ago I arrived here with the feeling of dread because I left home – the place I know so well. 6 years later, I am feeling dreadful because I will be leaving a place I HAVE been calling home, the place where I played, and the place where I truly grew up – Shah Alam. I was sheltered when I was in Kuching. In Shah Alam I am free to be whoever I want to be, and that freedom has given me a whole different view of the world and the people I have met in my life.

I’m just going to miss everything.

Dya asked me if I was feeling sad leaving all the memories I had in Shah Alam. I am not leaving those memories. I’ll bring them wherever I go.

p.s: Still wishing for a Pintu Suka-Hati.

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