Poetry, Random Thoughts, Short Story

Valentine’s

“I can’t imagine my life without you now. You’re the reason I smile each day. The same reason why I go to sleep at night without nightmares knocking on my door. When I wake up, you’re the first thing I want to see, the first thing I want to touch, the first thing I want to embrace. You’re my body, my blood; my soul. You’re my whole entire Universe.

You make me happy.You make me feel needed. You want me. And I love that you make me feel that way. That I am worthy of someone like you. Someone who’s smart, caring, who knows how to treat me right. Someone who makes me laugh, spoils me with kisses and such, and someone who I run to when my day’s shitty as hell.

You make me feel special again.

I can write a million words, and I could scream on top of my lungs those three words, and I can hold you every night, and yet it will still not be enough to show how much you mean to me. It’s like a mathematical equation that would take ages to solve, a philosophical discussion that baffles people, a story book with no end.

If in any way I have hurt you, made you cry, angered you, made you feel less special, I truly am sorry. It’s not my intention. I can’t control my emotions sometimes. It’s true that you hurt the ones you love. But when I hurt you, I hurt myself too. If your heart breaks, imagine the shattered pieces of my own. Can you?

So thank you for that fateful day when you said hi. And I said hi. And we conversed. And we met. And you chose to stay.

Everyone else left when they saw my flaws.

But you, you idiot – idiot that’s in love – you chose to stay.”

 

P.S: Happy Valentine’s Day love birds!

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Poetry, Random Thoughts, Short Story

Moon Light

It’s an unfortunately glaring night. The moon shines like sunlight, almost making me immobile. The air is dry, my skin is damped with sweat, but I’m breathing in the suffering.

A night like this reminds me of endless opportunities, boundless what-ifs and the inexplicable mystery life brings. I can’t help wondering what you’re doing right now. Are you asleep? Are you awake watching your favorite series or tuning your guitar? Did you brush your teeth and wash your succulent face with that gawd-awful facewash that I have asked you to change a million times? Do you still think about me, the way I think about you?

A night like this reminds me of our first fight. You told me I was crazy, I screamed in your face saying how you didn’t understand me. I threatened to leave but then, I saw the sadness in your eyes and I immediately regretted what I said. You became quiet. My body trembled. You pulled me closer into your arms, embraced me as if I was your whole world.

I’m sorry,” you said.

I forgive you,” I said.

Funny that a night like this reminds me of the first time we made out in your car. It was raining but somehow the moon was shining brightly still. There were no clouds shrouding the moon, as if it were like a sunny day without clouds floating above our heads. You kissed my mouth gently, caressed my body; pulled me closer to you. You yearned for me like I yearned for you. Yes, you had me, and I had you. We had each other. And then you bit my neck ever so softly. I whimpered. It was painful at first – nauseating almost – but it felt so good.

So, so good.

Now, a night like this only reminds me of the memories we used to make. You’re probably out there making new memories with someone else, while me? I still think of you sometimes. I dream of you too sometimes. But the yearning has not stopped. The yearning just won’t stop.

So, on a night like this, I hunt for a new lover. I hunt to stop the yearning you’ve implanted in me. From my window, I’ve spotted a possible candidate. A tall, well-built man of around 30. His face reminds me of you somehow. That sharp jawline, dusty blond hair, the swagger of his walk, those intense eyes.

I hope he can stop this insatiable yearning because I can’t remember the last time I went on a diet without blood and brain.

P.S: Tiada kena mengena dengan hidup dan yang mati. 

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Random Thoughts, Uncategorized

Kau Sexy Kau Patut Kena Raped

The internet is hyped about the return of the serial rapist Selva Kumar. Now if you don’t know who this man is, click on his name.

What’s interesting about his return doesn’t revolve around the actual rapist, but around the society that he’s come home to. Many people jeer his presence and request for him to not be accepted in the country, while there are some who support his return in hopes that he’d ‘educate’ women by raping them – because women dress too sexily – hence fall victim to rapists.

To note some examples, I will link you to Twitter accounts who support this man’s return. Now, besides supporting the idea of welcoming home a SERIAL rapist, these men (who shamefully are Malays, Muslims and Islam), have made claims that because  women dress to scantily, they deserved to be raped. One Twitter account suggests that men CANNOT control their urges (or nafsu) hence, a raping spree is unavoidable. How pathetic can men be? And we blame women for our sickening nature? *clapclapclap*

If I were parents to these sick kids, especially if I’m a mother to them, I’d be deeply troubled and ashamed. These kids are the future and if they’re part of the future, our future seems bleak.

HOW CAN YOU JUSTIFY RAPE AND BLAME WOMEN AT THE SAME TIME FOR YOUR OWN INABILITY TO CONTROL YOUR OWN NAFSU IS BEYOND ME!

Kau paham tak sekarang, masalahnya, fucktards ni cakap kau pakai sexy, kau memang patut dirogol. Bodoh tak argument tu? Dah tu bebudak bawah umur yang didera, di-molest, dirogol, dibunuh tu macam mana pulak? Sexy ke bebudak bawah umur tu? 

Nah, read some:

1. 3000 rape cases in Malaysia

2. Girls falling victim to sexual predators

3. High Rape Cases in Malaysia

These are only some of the many links on rape cases in Malaysia. There’re more cases out there, some maybe left unreported by the victims for fear of their lives, or even worst, being mocked and judged by society.

Our society is getting sicker. What irks me most is that these people shallowly link religious commandments which instruct women to cover themselves while at the same time, blinding their eyes towards ayat Quran which states that men should control their gaze and nafsu as well. The Quran states that men should protect the women, but look what society has turned itself into.

Now, we need Sex Education more than ever. Sex Education is NOT ABOUT TEACHING PEOPLE ON WAYS TO DO SEX (THAT’S KARMASUTRA), but Sex Ed is about raising awareness on issues pertaining to sexual matters which include health, awareness, contraceptives, STDs etc. Here’s a link to Singapore’s Sex Ed scope.

I’m a small fish in a big world, heck we’re all small fishes but please, don’t be shallow minded and become assholes on the internet. Your arguments are invalid and will forever be invalid.

p.s: Don’t be an idiot and an asshole.

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Random Thoughts

Curse Words Make Me Feel Like An Adult

I hope it’s not too late to say Happy New Year although now is the end of the first month of 2017. Time flies huh? I am also turning 27, the second stage of my late 20’s period. God I feel old. I feel tired. I feel stressed out. I feel moody sometimes. I’m being dramatic aren’t I?

Anyways, it’s just overwhelming (in my head) that I am now 27 (o.k. not yet but I will be). I remember being 7-8 years old screaming at the top of my lungs “Son of a B****!” because I heard it everywhere when I was growing up. I thought it was a o.k. to say it but later on I found that it’s not o.k. to shout profanities – even if it’s just for fun.

Now though profanities is what I say on a daily basis. F*** is just another word to me. When I was in school, I would not dare say that word because it sounded so mean. But my classmates would shout it out anyways because I think that sorta made them feel cool and manly. I just say that word now to voice out my frustration and surprise (and even excitement sometimes).

So what’s the point of this post?

Well the point is, people change and grow as they move along in life. When I was younger, I was more unfazed about things surrounding me. I focused on me a lot and I believed that profanities were really unnecessary. However, now I realize the importance of profanities when you’re growing up. If you can’t release your frustrations by punching someone in the face, you can cuss them.

Honestly, I thought I would be immune to cussing but I realized that the years I spent away from my family, stressed out by studying, working and loving, left me with this need to curse. It was sort of a transition process for me from being this naive and innocent kid to a growing adult. It sorta was (or is) a stamp for me that – Hey! I sorta have gone through speech puberty.

I’m still surprised at how easily curses fall from my tongue nowadays – like water from a fountain – just streaming from my uncensored mouth. I remember back in the days how I would feel bad for saying out a mean word but now, saying a bad word isn’t as bad as corruption, racism, sexism, bigotry, murder etc.

Oh well,

here’s to a more racy and provocative year!

(And hopefully more posts LOL)

 

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Random Thoughts

How to Survive University Life

Wow.

I haven’t updated this blog for almost a year now. Talk about wasted space huh? So what got me writing again? I guess it’s just this constant gnawing at the back of my head just asking me to write stuff again because honestly:

  1. I miss writing &
  2. I think my writing skills are getting a bit rusty.

But hey I’m back and because the new semester is about to begin, I would like to share a few tips on how you can survive in the university (and hopefully beyond that).

TIPS ON HOW TO BECOME A SOLE SURVIVOR IN THE UNIVERSITY

  • Learn to manage your finances. This is the most important advice I could give you. Don’t spend according to what your friends are spending. Spend according to what you can afford, not based on desires. If you could, try to get some part time jobs here and there, or better yet, set-up your own business. Some students are taking advantage of the internet by selling things online. If you’re smart (and lucky), you might be richer than your lecturers. Point in case here is, remember, you’re a student, so spend like one.
  • Be punctual. Be it for attending classes, meetings, or handing in assignments, try to be as punctual as you can. Don’t rely too much on last minute work because trust me, you’ll go crazy.
  • Learn to manage your time. This goes hand in hand with the two points above. If you are doing part-time jobs, make sure you know how to arrange your schedules. Learn how to prioritize things.
  • Get out of your comfort zone. Do things that scare you. Try out things that you hadn’t ever done in school. Learn new things – because at the end of the day, employees are more inclined to look at what you have done, over than what grade or pointer you have achieved. Not to say that grades don’t matter, they do. But with so many graduates out there, a little something extra in you can help get you the job of your dreams.
  • Lead something. Yes, not many people can become leaders, but you’ll never know until you try. So take charge sometimes. Don’t be scared. Be the responsible one in your group.
  • Take up new skills like photography, drawing, dancing, singing, acting, writing, design, coding – all these skills you can learn from your friends and your lecturers. These skills are valuable because they can make you learn and experience things that you cannot learn and experience in your classroom.
  • Get involved in programs and projects. Like taking charge, try becoming embroiled in programs and stuff. Learn to manage dramas, or activities, or take up volunteering. Not only you’ll meet more people and get to expand your social circle, but you’ll realize you’ll become more confident and more organized (hopefully).
  • If you’re living away from your family, try not going back for mid-term break. Instead, go explore places with your friends (if you can afford it of course). Visiting your friends’ kampungs will be a nice experience because trust me, once you’re working, it’ll be hard for you to even go anywhere (unless your job requires you to).
  • Improve your English. Take this opportunity to expand your English language skills. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, or don’t be too lazy to do extra exercises, or don’t take your English classes for granted (in fact, don’t take any of your classes for granted). You might not see the significance, relevance and importance of the English language now, but when you’ll go out into the real world, you’ll see why having good English is a valued skill among workers.

Last but not least:

  • HAVE FUN. Enjoy the moment of being young and carefree. Yeah you’ll be plagued with assignments, tests, exams and programs, but create time and space for you to have fun with your friends. Relish in every single moment. Experience the glory of university life (or lack thereof). The point is, you’ll (hopefully) go through your degree life just once. So, enjoy the moment while it lasts because you’ll never get to experience something like it ever again.

 

p.s: Yes, I miss my university life. Every. Single. Piece. Of it.

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Random Thoughts

Shouldn’t Have Trusted Your Heart

There are so many things I want to write about, but words sometimes fail me and I end up not conveying what I feel. Plus, I don’t really know what I am feeling right now. There is a part of me that feels relief and free, some parts of me crave the dependency and the familiarity of things that I’ve left behind. It’s been a few days since I started my new job and I like it – the fact that I have flexible working hours, that I get to explore my creativity and the fact that I get to interact with people on a daily basis. It’s all perfect. Except for one thing – I kinda feel lonely. I haven’t really made new friends. And the fact that I had to break-off my two year relationship isn’t helping either. I’d usually wake up in the morning with

“Good morning yang”

and go to bed with

“Good night yang”

but those texts aren’t coming in any more. It’s been a few days now, and I have to get used to it. I will get use to it; but right now, I can feel the void creeping slowly into my soul. I hate feeling the void. I hate the fact that when I look around me, there are things that remind me of you. I don’t need that right now. I hate the fact that when I’m alone and free, I start to think

“I wish you were here with me.”

It’s weird how someone who used to be so close to you now has to become a complete stranger by default. I wish I can take you anywhere with me so we can be together all the time. But I know you don’t want that. I know you want your freedom from me. You’ve been wanting that for a while now. You’re just too afraid to admit it.

I should want the same freedom too. In a way, I have achieved that freedom. But there’s still a part of me that does not want that freedom. It wants you. I don’t know if you feel the same way. I hope you do. I will be in denial if I wished for the opposite.

We’ve been through a lot together. You’ve always been there for me, and I owe you a lot for all the time you have spent with me – the countless hours of snuggling, cuddling, movie-watching, driving, eating, talking, arguing, singing – I will remember those times. I hope you will too.

Gah! When I was younger, writing about heartbreak was so easy. Now, I just feel burdened by it somehow. I feel like I shouldn’t even be writing about it because I will be fine, and I will move on. There was a time when I would compose poems and shit but not this time I guess. Maybe because I’ve matured enough, or maybe because I’ve prepared myself mentally and emotionally.

But I still do miss you – everyday. And I wish you’d text me. I hope we’d stay as friends because losing you from my life would be one of the biggest tragedies. I don’t know what else to write about. I guess I’ll just wallow in loneliness for now and try to make new friends. And hopefully, one day, down the line, I’ll meet someone who can fill the void.

p.s: All I need is a better internet connection.

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