Random Thoughts

Leaving Home

There comes a time in your life when you have to make a decision that is bigger than any decisions you’ve ever made in your whole entire life.

2008 was the start of a new life for me. I enrolled myself in UiTM for ASASI TESL and it was crazy because I didn’t even know what TESL was until I applied for it. It was a nerve wrecking experience for me because I have never been away from my family alone before. I never stayed in a boarding school, so the experience of coming over from Kuching to Shah Alam was something huge for me – and I was alone, and lonely.

I remember the very last moment hugging my Mummy goodbye. She cried, I cried and as I closed the door to my room, I went to my bunk bed and cried and sobbed like a baby. If anyone were to see me, they’d laugh. I called my mum on the phone that first night of being away from my family sobbing and crying. I was alone. I was afraid. I was confused.

But things got better the next day. I met my course-mates and the first person I talked to was Bonnie. Then I met Kei. He told me he wanted to be an ambassador and he spoke with this fancy British accent. In my head I was like,

“Oh God. My English must have sounded lame to him.”

Then the next person who stood out to me was Zach because he was white and I was like,

“I’m never gonna ever survive this.”

After the first day of orientation at the faculty ended, Bonnie told me that I was staying at the wrong college, so he took me to Meranti and that was where I stayed – in his room- and I met Sharil. We hit it off instantly and  we talked about Gossip Girls, Desperate Housewives and listened to Leona Lewis at night – and then he left, after 2 weeks (BASTARD, LOL). Anyways, cutting the story short…

Turns out, life had/has different plans for me throughout my years in uni. The times I had spent being away from my family are/were the times that I had learned most about myself. Never in my wildest imaginations would I have imagined my life would turn out the way it has turned out now and then. I never thought I would be a student leader, or a class-rep for most of my degree years, and never would I thought I’d be one of those students who stood out. I remember telling myself before I continued my studies that all I wanted to do was be unknown and just go through uni life unseen, unheard and unspoken of – that didn’t happen.

I’ve met some wonderful (and despicable) people being away from my family. The characters I’ve met are something that I would remember for the rest of my life. If I were to stay in Kuching and continued my studies there, I don’t think I would meet so, so, so, so many wonderful characters. My friends that I am close to now are a blessing to me (you guys know who you guys are) and I think it’s one of the ways God is showing me that He is with me. I’ve experienced relationships while being here. Those cheesy lines and scenes from books I read and movies I watched, yeah experienced them first-hand here in Shah Alam.

After finishing my uni days, I told myself I wanted to work in Kuala Lumpur until at least I hit 30. But hey, life has a different turn like I said. I’m not even 25 yet and I am moving back to my hometown already.

Now I’ll be leaving Shah Alam crying instead of smiling. It’s funny how 6 years ago I arrived here with the feeling of dread because I left home – the place I know so well. 6 years later, I am feeling dreadful because I will be leaving a place I HAVE been calling home, the place where I played, and the place where I truly grew up – Shah Alam. I was sheltered when I was in Kuching. In Shah Alam I am free to be whoever I want to be, and that freedom has given me a whole different view of the world and the people I have met in my life.

I’m just going to miss everything.

Dya asked me if I was feeling sad leaving all the memories I had in Shah Alam. I am not leaving those memories. I’ll bring them wherever I go.

p.s: Still wishing for a Pintu Suka-Hati.

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Random Thoughts

Loss and Gain

You cannot get everything you want in life. It’s the bitter truth. Even when you think you have everything, you’ll end up wanting more and more; and this desire drives you crazy. Sometimes, what we want are simple things – more ice-cream on a cone, a book that you have always wanted to buy but too expensive for your budget, or more patrol for your car. At other times, we want something that is more hard to get – more love, more patience, more kindness, and more time. But have you ever wondered when all the things you have wished for, have somehow been covered by the things you already have?

More ice-cream, but you already have food in your tummy. A book that you have always wanted? You already have your favorite book in your collection. Patrol for your car? How about the fact that you have gone to the car-wash and now you have a clean car? More love? Look at the people you surround yourself with. More patience? Be more accepting of others. More kindness? Be kind to people first. More time? Don’t waste what you have already got.

You see the thing about life is sometimes it makes you THINK and makes you FEEL like you haven’t got everything, but what if you already have things that you NEED to survive? Yes, we have desires and we have our wants, but sometimes you have to start realizing that what you WANT is more than what you NEED – which is what most of us already have: shelter, food, clothing, family, money.

I’m writing this to remind myself that every single time that I feel like I haven’t gotten enough, I should just look around me so that I’ll be more thankful. I am writing this because I have been saying this to myself:

“You Win Some, You Lose Some.”

I am going to start a new job soon and it’s a good job too, and I’ll be living with my family. The bad part is I’ll be away from the wonderful friends that I have made six years living away from my family. I’ll be losing a huge chunk of my independence. I am still wondering if I’m doing the right thing, but my head says it is right. My heart is torn though. It’s just weird to think that I’ll be living so far away from the people who have been such a huge influence in my life.

Well A.J., you win some you lose some.

p.s: I want Doraemon’s Pintu Suka-Hati please.

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Random Thoughts

Connections

Life has this funny way of surprising you. Reminds me of this line from a particular Alanis Morissette song

“Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you,”

It’s true, really. When I was younger, I’ve always thought that I’d be someone who’d live the life, going places, meet new people everyday and just enjoying moments being all over the place. My life has certainly turned out that way somehow, but not like how I had imagined in my head when I was younger.

I am living the life – I have changed three jobs in the course of two years. Going places? It may not be Europe and the Americas or some rugged mountains of the Himalayas, but I have been to a few places that I never thought I’d go to. Meeting new people? Yeah, that’s the best part.

I have never thought that making (right) connections could turn out to be one of the most important things in life. I am a friendly guy and I (kinda) get along well with everyone, but I’ve never thought these connections that I have been creating could impact the life that I am living. Sure, people come and go, but these people who come and stay have helped shaped me to become the person that I am today.

I jokingly told a friend that I and our circle of friends had helped mold her from this quiet, shy girl into this girl who’s more confident and sure of herself. Of course she denies it, but that’s not the point here. The point is, every single person you met – no matter how brief or long – would leave an impression on you. When you look back on all the people that you’ve stumbled upon in your life, you could see the kind of marks they have left. Some would leave great positive ones, others not so much.

I am thankful that I have made some wonderful and perfect connections in my life and I hope these connections of mine stay. I couldn’t imagine going on with life without these individuals who have helped shaped me to become whoever I am – in their eyes and in my own eyes.

I was driving alone and my mind started drifting away to the future, like 10 years into the future and I started to wonder how these connections that I have made will turn out? I would like to be positive and think that everything will turn out just fine, but like I said, life likes to throw curve balls at you. But I am hoping and praying that the people I care and love in my life will stay, and that our bond will not break.

Treasures.

Treasures.

p.s: I am writing this because I’ll be the furthest away from these people – which sucks balls. Sigh

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Random Thoughts

Hello 2015

It’s 15 mins to 4.00 a.m, 2nd February 2015 and I cannot sleep. I don’t have any thoughts running through my head, I just cannot sleep. It’s been a while since I’ve written something here. I don’t have any good excuse to come up with, it’s just because I’ve been uninspired – and lately I’ve been able to bottle things up without having to have an avenue to vent out. My blog has become dusty like an old book on a shelf. I keep wanting to read it, but I keep doing other things. That kinda thing.

Anyways, part of the reason why I have started to write (or blog) again is because my friends suddenly have begun blogging again after some hiatus (well, some of them) and I guess maybe I should end my silence with this post – a totally random one with no hidden meanings, no stories, no layers – a post that simply says:

I AM HERE

The last time I blogged was in August; that’s about 5 months in the past. (5 months? It’s been that long?)

I did try to come up with some posts but I ended up storing my posts in my head, locking them away in some dark corner of my brain where people won’t be able to pry into what I have been thinking, or feeling. I guess another reason why I’ve stopped blogging is because I have somehow lost a sense of who I am as a blogger. I used to write about feelings and stuff and then peer pressure got to me and society got to me and I suddenly wanted to become a famous blogger and you know, write stuff that people would actually read. I guess I have failed because the fame part didn’t come (haha).

Another great reason to start writing again is because I am getting rusty with my thoughts and my writing skills. It’s not that I am a great writer or I have really awesome thoughts, but I do have my own style. And I guess it is fun, reading back your old posts and going,

WHAT WAS I THINKING?!

So my new mission now in this blog is simple: to keep writing whatever random stuff I have in my head. Yeah, random and not-so-secret stuff. I guess this is a good start. I kinda always say to people you need to start somewhere, so this is my sorta new beginning I guess in the blogging world. I should have started when January 2015 rolled by, but that month is gone now. Crazy right? It’s February already.

This will be one of my 2015 goals – to keep blogging whatever random shit I have because truly I kinda miss writing, and I want to get in on the fun again; and peer pressure too if you are wondering. And I kinda miss (not) knowing people reading my posts.  So cheers to new posts!

p.s: The last post I wrote was about a struggling writer. Coincidence? I think not!

p.s.s: Thanks for the encouragements, friends.

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