Poetry, Random Thoughts, Short Story

Valentine’s

“I can’t imagine my life without you now. You’re the reason I smile each day. The same reason why I go to sleep at night without nightmares knocking on my door. When I wake up, you’re the first thing I want to see, the first thing I want to touch, the first thing I want to embrace. You’re my body, my blood; my soul. You’re my whole entire Universe.

You make me happy.You make me feel needed. You want me. And I love that you make me feel that way. That I am worthy of someone like you. Someone who’s smart, caring, who knows how to treat me right. Someone who makes me laugh, spoils me with kisses and such, and someone who I run to when my day’s shitty as hell.

You make me feel special again.

I can write a million words, and I could scream on top of my lungs those three words, and I can hold you every night, and yet it will still not be enough to show how much you mean to me. It’s like a mathematical equation that would take ages to solve, a philosophical discussion that baffles people, a story book with no end.

If in any way I have hurt you, made you cry, angered you, made you feel less special, I truly am sorry. It’s not my intention. I can’t control my emotions sometimes. It’s true that you hurt the ones you love. But when I hurt you, I hurt myself too. If your heart breaks, imagine the shattered pieces of my own. Can you?

So thank you for that fateful day when you said hi. And I said hi. And we conversed. And we met. And you chose to stay.

Everyone else left when they saw my flaws.

But you, you idiot – idiot that’s in love – you chose to stay.”

 

P.S: Happy Valentine’s Day love birds!

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Poetry, Random Thoughts, Short Story

Moon Light

It’s an unfortunately glaring night. The moon shines like sunlight, almost making me immobile. The air is dry, my skin is damped with sweat, but I’m breathing in the suffering.

A night like this reminds me of endless opportunities, boundless what-ifs and the inexplicable mystery life brings. I can’t help wondering what you’re doing right now. Are you asleep? Are you awake watching your favorite series or tuning your guitar? Did you brush your teeth and wash your succulent face with that gawd-awful facewash that I have asked you to change a million times? Do you still think about me, the way I think about you?

A night like this reminds me of our first fight. You told me I was crazy, I screamed in your face saying how you didn’t understand me. I threatened to leave but then, I saw the sadness in your eyes and I immediately regretted what I said. You became quiet. My body trembled. You pulled me closer into your arms, embraced me as if I was your whole world.

I’m sorry,” you said.

I forgive you,” I said.

Funny that a night like this reminds me of the first time we made out in your car. It was raining but somehow the moon was shining brightly still. There were no clouds shrouding the moon, as if it were like a sunny day without clouds floating above our heads. You kissed my mouth gently, caressed my body; pulled me closer to you. You yearned for me like I yearned for you. Yes, you had me, and I had you. We had each other. And then you bit my neck ever so softly. I whimpered. It was painful at first – nauseating almost – but it felt so good.

So, so good.

Now, a night like this only reminds me of the memories we used to make. You’re probably out there making new memories with someone else, while me? I still think of you sometimes. I dream of you too sometimes. But the yearning has not stopped. The yearning just won’t stop.

So, on a night like this, I hunt for a new lover. I hunt to stop the yearning you’ve implanted in me. From my window, I’ve spotted a possible candidate. A tall, well-built man of around 30. His face reminds me of you somehow. That sharp jawline, dusty blond hair, the swagger of his walk, those intense eyes.

I hope he can stop this insatiable yearning because I can’t remember the last time I went on a diet without blood and brain.

P.S: Tiada kena mengena dengan hidup dan yang mati. 

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Random Thoughts, Uncategorized

Kau Sexy Kau Patut Kena Raped

The internet is hyped about the return of the serial rapist Selva Kumar. Now if you don’t know who this man is, click on his name.

What’s interesting about his return doesn’t revolve around the actual rapist, but around the society that he’s come home to. Many people jeer his presence and request for him to not be accepted in the country, while there are some who support his return in hopes that he’d ‘educate’ women by raping them – because women dress too sexily – hence fall victim to rapists.

To note some examples, I will link you to Twitter accounts who support this man’s return. Now, besides supporting the idea of welcoming home a SERIAL rapist, these men (who shamefully are Malays, Muslims and Islam), have made claims that because  women dress to scantily, they deserved to be raped. One Twitter account suggests that men CANNOT control their urges (or nafsu) hence, a raping spree is unavoidable. How pathetic can men be? And we blame women for our sickening nature? *clapclapclap*

If I were parents to these sick kids, especially if I’m a mother to them, I’d be deeply troubled and ashamed. These kids are the future and if they’re part of the future, our future seems bleak.

HOW CAN YOU JUSTIFY RAPE AND BLAME WOMEN AT THE SAME TIME FOR YOUR OWN INABILITY TO CONTROL YOUR OWN NAFSU IS BEYOND ME!

Kau paham tak sekarang, masalahnya, fucktards ni cakap kau pakai sexy, kau memang patut dirogol. Bodoh tak argument tu? Dah tu bebudak bawah umur yang didera, di-molest, dirogol, dibunuh tu macam mana pulak? Sexy ke bebudak bawah umur tu? 

Nah, read some:

1. 3000 rape cases in Malaysia

2. Girls falling victim to sexual predators

3. High Rape Cases in Malaysia

These are only some of the many links on rape cases in Malaysia. There’re more cases out there, some maybe left unreported by the victims for fear of their lives, or even worst, being mocked and judged by society.

Our society is getting sicker. What irks me most is that these people shallowly link religious commandments which instruct women to cover themselves while at the same time, blinding their eyes towards ayat Quran which states that men should control their gaze and nafsu as well. The Quran states that men should protect the women, but look what society has turned itself into.

Now, we need Sex Education more than ever. Sex Education is NOT ABOUT TEACHING PEOPLE ON WAYS TO DO SEX (THAT’S KARMASUTRA), but Sex Ed is about raising awareness on issues pertaining to sexual matters which include health, awareness, contraceptives, STDs etc. Here’s a link to Singapore’s Sex Ed scope.

I’m a small fish in a big world, heck we’re all small fishes but please, don’t be shallow minded and become assholes on the internet. Your arguments are invalid and will forever be invalid.

p.s: Don’t be an idiot and an asshole.

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Random Thoughts

Curse Words Make Me Feel Like An Adult

I hope it’s not too late to say Happy New Year although now is the end of the first month of 2017. Time flies huh? I am also turning 27, the second stage of my late 20’s period. God I feel old. I feel tired. I feel stressed out. I feel moody sometimes. I’m being dramatic aren’t I?

Anyways, it’s just overwhelming (in my head) that I am now 27 (o.k. not yet but I will be). I remember being 7-8 years old screaming at the top of my lungs “Son of a B****!” because I heard it everywhere when I was growing up. I thought it was a o.k. to say it but later on I found that it’s not o.k. to shout profanities – even if it’s just for fun.

Now though profanities is what I say on a daily basis. F*** is just another word to me. When I was in school, I would not dare say that word because it sounded so mean. But my classmates would shout it out anyways because I think that sorta made them feel cool and manly. I just say that word now to voice out my frustration and surprise (and even excitement sometimes).

So what’s the point of this post?

Well the point is, people change and grow as they move along in life. When I was younger, I was more unfazed about things surrounding me. I focused on me a lot and I believed that profanities were really unnecessary. However, now I realize the importance of profanities when you’re growing up. If you can’t release your frustrations by punching someone in the face, you can cuss them.

Honestly, I thought I would be immune to cussing but I realized that the years I spent away from my family, stressed out by studying, working and loving, left me with this need to curse. It was sort of a transition process for me from being this naive and innocent kid to a growing adult. It sorta was (or is) a stamp for me that – Hey! I sorta have gone through speech puberty.

I’m still surprised at how easily curses fall from my tongue nowadays – like water from a fountain – just streaming from my uncensored mouth. I remember back in the days how I would feel bad for saying out a mean word but now, saying a bad word isn’t as bad as corruption, racism, sexism, bigotry, murder etc.

Oh well,

here’s to a more racy and provocative year!

(And hopefully more posts LOL)

 

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Random Thoughts

How to Survive University Life

Wow.

I haven’t updated this blog for almost a year now. Talk about wasted space huh? So what got me writing again? I guess it’s just this constant gnawing at the back of my head just asking me to write stuff again because honestly:

  1. I miss writing &
  2. I think my writing skills are getting a bit rusty.

But hey I’m back and because the new semester is about to begin, I would like to share a few tips on how you can survive in the university (and hopefully beyond that).

TIPS ON HOW TO BECOME A SOLE SURVIVOR IN THE UNIVERSITY

  • Learn to manage your finances. This is the most important advice I could give you. Don’t spend according to what your friends are spending. Spend according to what you can afford, not based on desires. If you could, try to get some part time jobs here and there, or better yet, set-up your own business. Some students are taking advantage of the internet by selling things online. If you’re smart (and lucky), you might be richer than your lecturers. Point in case here is, remember, you’re a student, so spend like one.
  • Be punctual. Be it for attending classes, meetings, or handing in assignments, try to be as punctual as you can. Don’t rely too much on last minute work because trust me, you’ll go crazy.
  • Learn to manage your time. This goes hand in hand with the two points above. If you are doing part-time jobs, make sure you know how to arrange your schedules. Learn how to prioritize things.
  • Get out of your comfort zone. Do things that scare you. Try out things that you hadn’t ever done in school. Learn new things – because at the end of the day, employees are more inclined to look at what you have done, over than what grade or pointer you have achieved. Not to say that grades don’t matter, they do. But with so many graduates out there, a little something extra in you can help get you the job of your dreams.
  • Lead something. Yes, not many people can become leaders, but you’ll never know until you try. So take charge sometimes. Don’t be scared. Be the responsible one in your group.
  • Take up new skills like photography, drawing, dancing, singing, acting, writing, design, coding – all these skills you can learn from your friends and your lecturers. These skills are valuable because they can make you learn and experience things that you cannot learn and experience in your classroom.
  • Get involved in programs and projects. Like taking charge, try becoming embroiled in programs and stuff. Learn to manage dramas, or activities, or take up volunteering. Not only you’ll meet more people and get to expand your social circle, but you’ll realize you’ll become more confident and more organized (hopefully).
  • If you’re living away from your family, try not going back for mid-term break. Instead, go explore places with your friends (if you can afford it of course). Visiting your friends’ kampungs will be a nice experience because trust me, once you’re working, it’ll be hard for you to even go anywhere (unless your job requires you to).
  • Improve your English. Take this opportunity to expand your English language skills. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, or don’t be too lazy to do extra exercises, or don’t take your English classes for granted (in fact, don’t take any of your classes for granted). You might not see the significance, relevance and importance of the English language now, but when you’ll go out into the real world, you’ll see why having good English is a valued skill among workers.

Last but not least:

  • HAVE FUN. Enjoy the moment of being young and carefree. Yeah you’ll be plagued with assignments, tests, exams and programs, but create time and space for you to have fun with your friends. Relish in every single moment. Experience the glory of university life (or lack thereof). The point is, you’ll (hopefully) go through your degree life just once. So, enjoy the moment while it lasts because you’ll never get to experience something like it ever again.

 

p.s: Yes, I miss my university life. Every. Single. Piece. Of it.

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Uncategorized

2015. 2016…

As I am writing this, I am alone in my room and there is about 4 more hours to the New Year. Last year, I spent my New Year’s eve with my close friends, watching a movie and playing our very own UNO game and laughed like crazy. It’s been a crazy ride, 2015. I call 2015 as a year of change.

In the middle of December 2014, I made a move to quit this stupid job I had when I was in Shah Alam. I did it, not knowing whether I would be accepted for a job that I went for an interview a month before. I just wanted to quit because I simply was not happy there. So I did – and it is one of the best decisions that I have ever made it in my entire life.

I started 2015 being jobless – but happy. I spent my days sleeping and at night, I would stay up and play DotA with my friends. Sometimes, we’d go for very long hangouts and play cards. But it was fun being jobless during that time. I was so free to do anything I wanted and it was fulfilling.

I stayed jobless until end of February. In March, I started my new job at UNIMAS. I never actually wanted to teach, but the job is good because it provides me with stability, and the pay is good too. The downside is, it’s all the way in Kuching, and my friends were all the way in Shah Alam. But I made the decision to go, because I thought it was the right thing to do at that time – and indeed it is.

Broke up in March too. Been wanting to do it, but I was too chicken to do so. So the job came, and plus the distance thing, was the “reason” why I wanted to break up but deep down, I knew that my partner’s cheating ways was just too much for me to handle and to forgive, well let’s just say I have done that way too many times.

Why I call 2015 as a year of change it’s mainly because of my decisions to move back to Kuching and start my job as a Language Teacher. I have never been so challenged in a job before and my current position allows me to be flexible with my time and, like I said, challenged. There’s so much to learn (and I have got a long way to go) with this job that everyday I discover new things. And I have to learn, and I have to adapt very quickly. That’s the challenge and I kinda like it.

I got my own car in July (which I am very thankful for). Having my own car gives me a different kind of freedom which I have never felt and it feels great.

I tell myself everyday that God would have His reasons to put me where I am right now and as I breathe, I am still uncovering His plans for me.

But whatever His plans are for me now, they’ve been really life-changing. At the end of each day, I would just look up to the ceiling and just smile at the things that I had gone through throughout 2015. It’s been a roller-coaster, and a wild one at that.

I hope 2016 will be more of a stable year for me. Change is good, but too much of it can drive you crazy. I know.

For now, goodbye 2015 and hello 2016!

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Uncategorized

What to Write About?

I turned 25 yesterday. Nothing special happened. I was in a meeting for half a day. Then I went out having sushi with my colleagues. Then I went home and had a small celebration with my family. And that was it. That was how my 25th year began – normal and dull. But hey, I’m 25.

It’s crazy how hectic life has been these past few months. I am beginning to feel older and I feel like there’s too little time for anything. But life has been dull, that much I can say. I’m still sorta waiting for the day when I can just pack my bags and be gone for a week – to somewhere nice. But I don’t know why I am restricting myself. Well, probably because of money. Yeah, gotta wait for the right time for that.

Anyways, I think I need to be more creative. I miss writing stories and sappy poems. That was my forte back then. I think I’m losing the touch and it’s time for me to revive the sappiness in me. I feel like I’m becoming more heartless, which is not so good. Sappiness brings out the creativity in me. Someone has asked me to write a novel. Maybe I should? I don’t know. It’s a good challenge for me I think. It’d be nice to get something published – by me.

What to write about though?

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